Grief Thoughts

Well, that last post was really hard to write. It felt really good to do and kind of get it behind me, but I still have more I want to write and get posted. It's weird, this whole grief thing. I have never done it before, so I just feel like I am in a fog all the time. Not really sure what I am doing, feeling different things at different times, sometimes being ok but feeling guilty about it and sometimes just not ok at all. I feel very tired every day, which I am sure is normal, but I am still very tired even when the day has seemed completely normal. What is up with that? This just sucks, no other way to put it.

Don't get me wrong, I still know that God is here and I still feel supported by so many. But it has been a month and, well, life goes on. Which is good, I mean, I guess we want it to. But at the same time it feels all wrong and not fair and like somehow we are not loving Dad enough by moving on. I can't really explain it, but I know those of you who have been there understand completely. And it feels not fair of me to continue on doing my normal things when my mom is there all alone, dealing with this by herself. Sure, she has work that serves as a distraction, but every day she goes home to an empty house, everything the way she left it. I bet she would give anything right now to open a cupboard and find something that Dad put away in the wrong place. She has to now do it all. It's not like she isn't capable, because she is. My mom is the smartest, strongest woman I know. But just going through this and seeing her struggle with the realities of death is the kind of pain I have never known. I am so sorry, Mom.

I read a book from the library to the kids tonight about a little bunny who lost his grandpa the year before. He went around collecting things from his grandpa's favorite places to help cheer up his grandma, who was very sad. We talked about Papa Tom and what they remembered about him. They said different little things and then Sadie remembered that Papa had sat and read them all a book when we were there in December, one of the last times we saw him. I have a picture of that moment, which was so precious to me then, but little did I know that it would be one of the last memories my kids would have of their Papa Tom.
My dad didn't much like noise, and sometimes my rambunctious kids were a tad too wild for him, but Dad sure loved these kids. Many people have told me over the past month how much he talked about them and how proud he was of them all. I just hope that they are able to hold onto the memories they have of Dad and that he is always there in their minds, cheering them on as they go through life.

I can't make sense of a whole lot right now and my view of life has definitely changed. All I know is that I don't like this grief process, but I know I must go through it, knowing that God is using this for His good, for His plan. And I have to be ok with that. Because He loves me. And He loves my family.