February 10, 2010 - Dad's Homegoing

Wednesday, Feburary 10, 2010 started out same as any other day for me and my family. My mom said goodbye to my dad, who was retired, and went off to work at World Vision. He called her a few hours later and said he was going to take a trip to the Auburn SuperMall (only about 15-20 mins from where they live in Federal Way). We know that Dad had to have felt completely fine, as he hated going out to the SuperMall and would not have gone had he felt any hint of unwell. He bought something at Bed, Bath & Beyond and headed back to Federal Way. He stopped at the Fred Meyer by my parents' house, we assume to get a hoagie or something for lunch, as he often did. But he didn't make it. He went down just inside the door. A woman who happened to be a new nurse was there (not sure if she actually saw him go down or not) and started CPR right away. The paramedics arrived shortly after (the firestation is 2 blocks away) and took over. They got him back for a very short time in the ambulance, and then he was gone. Nothing to shock, nothing to sustain his life, he was just gone.

I was at home getting ready to head to Sadie and Zack's school to help lead the Bible club some friends and I started there when I got a phone call from Virginia Mason Clinic. I knew something was wrong the second I answered the phone. The sweet lady on the other end had me identify that I was indeed Tom and Betsey Grayson's daughter and said she was trying to get a hold of my mom. They had tried the home phone as well as her cell phone. I gave the lady my mom's work number, still wondering what the heck was going on. Then the poor sweet lady broke me the news. My dad had been taken to the hospital, but that he had died. DIED. Are you kidding me? I lost it and sobbing uncontrollably yelled at the lady to call my mom. Tony had just left for work, so I called him right away. I as shaking and crying so badly it took me about 5 tries to even make the call. I managed to choke out the words that I had just heard and he said he would be right home. I then called my friend Caryn, who I run the club with, and told her I wouldn't be coming to Good News Club and why. She showed up a few minutes later and took Zack with her. Poor kid, he was downstairs with me and was probably so confused about what was happening, but I couldn't even talk to him. Anyway, Tony came home shortly and I had by then spoken briefly with my mom and also realized I needed to drive up to be with my mom right away. Tony ran to school and got the kids and ended up telling them what happened. Everyone had been so somber, the kids knew something was wrong.

I left after completely mindlessly throwing things in a bag to take and drove by myself (in horrid traffic to boot) the long 3 hours to face the nightmare that was unfolding in my life. Thankfully I had a Bluetooth so was able to make phone calls, one after another to friends and family, sobbing out the fact that my dad had just died. I still can't really wrap my mind around it and even writing this out is painfully difficult. I made it to my mom's house maybe 6ish or a little later, dreading walking through that door. Three wonderful friends of my mom's from World Vision were there with her, they had refused to leave until I got there. My brother, Tim, got there right after I did. We all just stood there, numb, sick, not knowing what to do or think. It was awful, especially being surrounded by things that were just the way Dad had left them hours before. His magazines all laid out, ready to read. His remotes fanned out just how he liked them His pill box, opened to Wednesday. I was sick.

The next two days were a fog. We went the funeral home, where I said goodbye to my dad and helped Mom make decisions regarding everything from what he was to be cremated in to the obituary for the paper. We met with the pastor who was to do the service the following week. We ate because we had to. We went shopping for an outfit for me to wear to the funeral. We talked, we cried, we laughed a little, too, which felt good. But mostly we tried to wrestle with the reality that Dad was gone and we would never see him again on this side of Heaven.

As humans, we feel things deeply, and God meant for us to do just that. When we lose someone we feel a great sense of loss and sadness, and I believe that God sits there with us, crying too. The things that I will miss about Dad:
~Calling on the phone and hearing him saying "I'm fine" before I can even say "How are you?" (It was a little private joke between us.)
~Hearing him chuckle when one of my kids says or does something funny.
~Watching him interact in his own quiet way with the grandkids that I know he loved dearly.
~Buying him chocolate covered cherries and seeing how happy something so small made him.
~Having the really good, deep talks that we have had over the years about life's triumphs and difficulties.
~Seeing his sweet face and standing on my tiptoes to give him a hug.
And so many more things I know will continue to pop up for years to come.

Through this all, God has blessed us in so many ways. It has comforted me to know that even though I didn't know and Mom didn't know and Tim didn't know that Dad would die when he did how he did, God knew. He loves us unconditionally and even though we walk through sad, difficult things in this life, God is with us and that makes all the difference to me. So here are some things I am thankful for in the midst of all this pain:
~#1 by a mile is that my dad loved the Lord and I know 100% that today he sits in Heaven with our blessed Savior. And we will all be reunited one day. For that, I cannot be more grateful and am filled with peace and joy.
~That Dad wasn't driving when he died. Or that he wasn't at home for my mom to come home to and find.
~That he went quickly and didn't feel any pain or suffer for any length of time. Harder on us for sure, but better for him. God knew.
~That my mom works where she does and is surrounded by so many people who stepped up to be there and help and love and comfort, from the day Dad died and still now as she is back at work, trying to go on with life.
~That all of us: Mom Tim, and I, have so many amazing friends from church and all other areas of our lives who have written cards, sent flowers, sent food, called, come over and most of all prayed and helped us through this time. I have no words for what it has meant.
~That even though my relationship with Dad was difficult when I was in high school and college, God had done amazing work in both of us and restored us to a truly wonderful place of love and respect for each other.
~His birthday was February 4, the Thursday before. I talked to him that day, then again Saturday and then again briefly on Monday, two days before he died. I cannot tell you how precious those conversations and chances to hear Dad's voice are to me now, knowing they were the last few times I would speak to him.
There are so many more things that I am thankful for and many more ways God has made His presence known to all of us, but I am ending with these now.

Never in a million years would I have imagined that I would go through what I went through 3 short weeks ago and will deal with for the rest of my life. But as I said before, God knew, and that is all the comfort I could ever have.

I love you, Dad. Goodbye for now.